Dear Santa

Mr. Christopher Cringle
100 Reindeer Lane
North Pole

Dear Santa Claus,

I know it has been awhile. I haven't written you since I was 8 years
old and asked you for an Atari 2600. Yeah, I know you are too busy to
be delivering me the PlayStation 2 with all the truly deserving little
brats out there. Besides, I don't have a fireplace and don't like old
dudes visiting in the middle of the night.

So, I just assumed that your email addy was at AOL because old people
keep AOL even after they realize it costs more and sucks. If this is
misaddressed? Quit pretending you are somebody you are not.

First and foremost, please do not forget to get all my friends and
family what they want. This is important as I am deathly afraid of the
mall. I went yesterday. My mind in a haze of twirling candy canes and
the echo of commerically-designed Xmas songs, I tripped over a bench
(decorated like a present) and nearly killed a mall elf. Not at the
same time though. The trip was accidental, the "elficide" was entirely
intentional and nearly a full hour later.

With that request out of the way, I have a few smaller requests:

Give me a President. I don't know how government works at the North
Pole, but here it sucks. Simple request: Tell all Americans that the
Republicans cheated and that the Democrats need to quit whining about
it. Then appoint Harrison Ford President of the United States. His
movies don't suck and everybody seems to like him.

Get Brittney Spears in Playboy. The time has come. The little tart is
just DYING to shed those leather pants and I find it morally
reprehensible that they may wait until she is age 50 and broke to do
it. (See: Farrah Fawcett)

Kill Regis Philbin. Now. Please.

Give me a stock tip. Really, any ol' stock will do. I've tried
EVERYTHING. If I buy a company, it goes south. Automatically. My IRA
is single-handedly sending us into a recesssion. I've tried every
system. I even tried, "stock-the-name-of-my-friends-cat." It was
named
"Dell." Too bad it wasn't named "CSCO."

Find me a rich, caring, and honest girlfriend. Notice that I did NOT
ask for "attractive" to be included. I've tried dating hot chicks.
Too
many other guys want them. Nopes, just give me a nice rich gal so I
can
quit my job, start a family, get fat and find a mistress.

Lastly, I want my memory back. See, I KNOW I've done some REALLY bad
things and could learn some VERY good lessons from them.
Unfortunately,
I am almost exclusively DRUNK when these alleged things happen. I
always wake up with an Etch-a-Sketch brain that magically shakes the
slate dry.

I know, you are "busy." But if you get the chance, I'd appreciate the
help.

ster

Oh, and by the way, thanks for the Atari!