Allergy Shots

Ahhhh... there is nothing like the smell of wet
asphault drying against your forehead at 5am. It
makes you wonder, "Uh, where the HELL am I and WHY
is there an angry bird pecking at my forehead?"

Honestly, the answer has not been easily
forthcoming. I do know one thing for certain
though; I am allergic to shots.

No, not shots with needles. I just HATE those
shots. "Shots" were invented in a pre-Captain
Morgan era when some not-so-bright pirates said,
"Screw the mixer! Give me some of that there rum
straight up!" The bartender looked at the already
inebriated pirate and said, "I've never heard of
that before but I'll give it a 'shot' for ya..."

That pirate woke up face down on the poop deck.

Now, I've been a BIG FAN of avoiding shots for
long time now. I remember thinking that they were
a good idea "back in the days." Unfortunately,
"back in the days" I also thought that Def Leppard
and parachute pants were cool. My judgement had
been much keener for quite some time.

Until Saturday. Ouch.

Did I ever mention that bartenders are not only
ALLOWED but ENCOURAGED to drink while at work in
Texas? Ok, I don't know if it is really LEGAL,
but I do know that it is commonplace to just kick
back with your fave bartender and buy him a drink
instead of tipping him. Of course, then you run
into the occasional "loose cannon" who will TAUNT
you into doing shots WITH him. This just isn't
fair. See when a bartender OFFERS you a free
shot(s), you only have two possible courses of
action:

1) Say, "No, I can't cuz I'm a major wuss."
2) Say, "Yes, I can cuz I'm a major dipshit."

Suffice it to say, I was a major dipshit about 18
times on Saturday. Rumplemintz, Absolute Vodka,
and Jello were my downfall. I will go ahead and
defer on the vodka... that stuff is just evil.
But Jello should NOT be a threat to my immune
system. It's FOOD. Trust me, there is NOT always
room for Jello. And Rumplemintz? That stuff is
just mouthwash! I look at it as good oral hygiene
to have a couple of those! Just being
responsible.

No such luck. As it turns out, I am VERY allergic
to shots. Most of the stories from Saturday night
I had to hear second-hand. Marcia, my very cute
bi-sexual friend, was babysitting me. She says I
rode home in the back of the cab in her lap. See,
Marcia has a very NICE lap, I would like very much
to be conscious if I ever get the good fortune to
spend any serious time in her lap again. I was a
155-lbs of toxic wasted by 1am and Marcia was
doing her damnest just to keep me outta jail.

She succeeded. But she left me for dead in my
parking lot. I was purging like there was no
tomorrow. Actually, it already WAS tomorrow. So,
I passed out. Marcia went to my place and crashed
and I hurled until the nasty combination of red
gelatin and vodka was all gone. My breath was
minty fresh though!

I KNOW that is gross. But what was WORSE was that
no less than 5 birds were grubbing on my bile the
next morning. I just peeled my face off the
asphault and went to bed... wiser today now
knowing that I have an allergy to shots.

ster