Two Birds With One Ster?

First, congratulations. This is unprecendented.
I received no less than 11 responses and some good
names from my "call to feathers." I'm mulling
over some of the creative names you have come up
with, I think my faves are "Guido," "Keister," and
"Petey." However, "Eyball" is just about
irresistable. Dave came up with none of these and
therefore I'm bumming. I had my money on Dave,
but "Roy" and "Larry" just weren't up to snuff.
Naming my bird hopefully just wasn't a priority.

HOWEVER, y'all should know something. This is a
dumb bird. Not "dumb" like any ol' bird is. This
bird would be referred to by Marlon Perkins as
"stuff that alligator just ate." This damn bird
is basically about as sharp as sweater lint. Its
ok though, I've dated girls that are dumber, I can
handle this.

How dumb? First, he's afraid of heights. This is
not a joke. If I place him on a perch. He jumps
and poops himself, falls to the ground and walks
around on the floor like a rat.. He refuses to
sit anywhere higher than an ottoman. It is SOOO
funny to watch him when he gets (put) on a high
perch. He consistently jumps for a lower ledge,
BANGS into it with his head (thrashing his wings
the whole time) and bounces into about 3-4 other
hard objects on the way down. Well, I admit I
kinda set him up for it. Its kinda like bird
Plinko. (Sensitive ones, I'm KIDDING!)

2) He likes his cage. Well, "likes" is hard to
tell. He HATES leaving it. I know this cuz he
bites me whenever I try to get him out of it and
LOVES going back in. He is also fond of biting me
and pooping on my stuff. His crap is small
though, I'm glad he's not a pelican.

3) He can't fly. Not a lick. They clipped his
wings. Cruel? Maybe. It seemed like the right
thing to do at the time but now I feel bad. He
can't fly AT ALL. I just didn't want him to fly
away and get eaten by a cat . . . As it is he
might be eaten by my vaccum cleaner, he ain't very
fast.

4) He doesn't eat or drink. This puzzles me. He
poops. He just doesn't eat. Can a parakeet just
WILL itself to poop whenever it wants?

5) He doesn't (didn't) chirp. This disturbed me.
I want this damn bird to TALK, he does a good
Charlie Chaplin though..

So, what do I do? An obvious failure at raising
the fine species "aves crapitus," I bought another
damn bird. Now they chat away like Ann and
Caroline after 3 shots of Tequilla. I'm thinking
about firing up that vacuum cleaner.

ster